I checked my phone for probably the tenth time in twenty minutes. Butterflies rose in my stomach for the hundredth time that day. I sat down on the cold plastic airport chair after briefly pacing to the arrivals screen once again.
Yep , confirmed, he was finally on his way here from across the world.
He was on the first plane flight of his life after working a contract job just to save money to meet me. No pressure, right?
I wondered many times during that year if I was crazy for knowing how I knew, but I did , I just did. People even tried to talk me out of it (mostly those that wanted to date me after obtaining my magnetic shininess, after learning to love myself – more on that below)
I even tried to end it once in the first few months. I explained to him as a single working mother, it felt impossible to be together, from that kind of distance.
The five hour time difference, even just remotely, was hard to cope with. I also felt jealous of people with what seemed like real life relationships. Yet that night I cried all night and into the next morning until my eyes were physically raw.
I knew there was no way I could not be with him, no matter how unconventional it was.
I promised I’d try to never say something like that again and he accepted this.
There was magic just outside the airport that day. This smoldering passion combined with an amazing sense of peace happened. It wasn’t exactly when our eyes first met in real life but when we got in the car and had a moment to sit and look each other over. It was the kind of feeling that would make a romance novelist blush.
In this pause, we both communicated with a shy knowing grin that would melt our hearts many more times to come. That was when I was certain my life would never be the same and I was right to trust myself.
It was beautiful confirmation that my instincts about my own life were right, above all others opinions.
Wow.. this was really real and it was finally here. The one least likely that I wasn’t even looking for. Just about six months before I had let go and decided to ‘just be happy now’ and the universe collectively sighed in reply “Ah, now you get it”.
We were married shortly after for a grand total of meeting to married in 18 months. Every time I look at him I feel warm and fuzzy physically in my body feelings. It has not gone away or diminished at all, which is a new experience for me.
What did I do without knowing it? Or did some part of me know? I’ll retrace my steps here with you.
It’s funny how the three secrets to this are so simple it will make your head spin.
Most of all, I learned we are taught wrong by ads and marketing that sells us that life is a series of one stop quick fix for all our problems, including love, and that’s just not how it works. That sells but it’s not reality and it’s definitely not helping anyone find lasting love.
The first secret to finding deep, lasting, toe curling, butterfly inducing, passionate love is that I had to truly love myself first and know I am a great catch.
I started doing things that I am proud of. Not because anyone else told me or I thought it would make me look good.
The second secret was being deeply honest with myself about what I truly needed in a partner. Not what society says, not what my family says (I know my mom thought it was nuts that I met someone online and we ‘dated’ remotely for a year by the way), but what I deeply need in a partner. What is worth enjoying my life for until they come along?
I kept in mind no one is perfect but what can I really not live without?
The third secret was I decided to surrender to the unknown. I let go of all attachment to outcome and told that part of my head to shut up (many times when it came up) that said stuff like “What if this is all crazy? What if I dump the wrong person I’m with to ‘wait’ for the right one and I’m lonely?” Would it be any worse than how I already felt? It never had an answer for that, ha! stupid nasty voice.
When I finally loved myself, I realized I wasn’t waiting at all. Months before I even met my husband I went and stayed in a $345 a night bed and breakfast for one night that I had wanted to visit for ten years.
I still giggle, even to this day, when I think of how much fun I had by myself there.
It was a honeymoon to myself. I proved to myself, even as I cringed when they swiped my credit card reminding myself that I am worth it. I did a self-love ceremony, complete with dress, ring and all and read wedding vows to love, honor and cherish myself. I feel like we all need more rituals like this.
I didn’t need anyone else to share it with me for it to be a valuable experience in my life. What have you always wanted to do but were waiting for someone else?
I have had a glow ever since that radiates from deep inside of me. A beautiful glow of internal happiness and trust me on this, everyone is attracted to that. I chose me. Finally.
It probably took me about six months to a year. When I think about it, it’s just like losing weight. The real stuff takes time to dump. Shedding all the garbage, bitterness from the past and gently taking off any last scraps of the mess just really doesn’t happen overnight.
It was like earning a degree that doesn’t exist but I’m forever changed by the tangible results. I know who I am, I know what I want in someone else and for myself.
If you decide to take a similar journey, I can promise it will be a wonderful six months to a year and you’ll never want to go back to your old thought patterns or way of life.
Going out into that scary abyss of the unknown taught me it’s the only way to freedom. I gained the ultimate love of my life, me. I know for myself the only way to love, truth, and deep passion is to BE the love, truth and deep passion.
Only when we are comfortable with ourselves can big magic happen in our lives. We are finally okay with it happening.
One of the most surprising things I learned is that by letting go and doing these three big things, taking the leap wasn’t as scary as I thought it was.
Funny but not ha-ha funny, it hurt way less than the pain of loneliness. That pain of always wondering “what if”ever did. Ironic, isn’t it?
This is the book I used most to learn to love myself and if it doesn’t make you cry multiple times, you aren’t doing it right!